I figured, if Rebecca Black can do it, why can’t I?

So here is the result of my efforts, a lovely 15 second piece.

The lyrics are as follows:

Can you believe i’ve had no lessons?

Can you believe i’ve had no lessons.

Can you believe i’ve had no lessons on here?

Can you believe i’ve had no lessons?

Can you believe i’ve had no lessons.

Can you believe i’ve had no lessons on here?

Creative genius i know.

 
Ahhh, this is love I thought as I laid down, but then, I looked up. A square on the ground, this will not do…So I drew walls until I had a cube. Extending up beyond where my sight could see.

 
But this marker was just black and the walls a vacant white…Why didn’t I think of using colour before. So some red here, yellow there, a bit of purple and green, and every combination under the sun, until at long last every side was colored…
That’s when I found the door, for inside this brightly colored cube was a great empty space begging for something to fill it, to make it complete. So I took everything of beauty, everything of value, everything lovely and tried to fill it to no avail. I spent a 100 life times inventing things that could be loved just to fill it up. The day came though and I finally shut the door behind my beautiful cube filled with treasures and leaned against it to rest. But that’s when it slid out from where I thought it would stay. “It can move?” I breathed in surprise and frustration. I pressed my hand against it and it glided to away at the touch. “It CAN move!”

 
So I traveled the world o’er with my cube, pushing it from one place to the next, not sure of where or why I was going, but just moving. For an age I walked, this most surely was it. “I have figured it out!” I thought, at least until the day came where my box ran into someone else’s…

Pimp My Turtle Ride!!!

I feel as if I am bringing this blog back to life with this post. And perhaps, I will do it, only to snuff it out again. In a very, Chuck Norris manner.

Well, I suppose a lot of you were wondering “What happened with Jesse’s Amazing Blog of splendor??”. To be perfectly honest I kind of got bored of it. Writing is one of my passions, but I like people more than words. And Starbucks decided to take over my life.

Which brings you to a piece of news about me, I quit Starbucks. Yes, it was a very sad parting, and the store has almost completely fallen apart. Kind of like the lugnut that falls off of the wheel, that makes the car crash into a gas truck, that blows up, causing the bridge it was driving over to collapse onto a railroad track below,  just as the train is pulling in, that derails the train, causing it to spill its toxic load into a lake, which  flows to the ocean and kills off all of the life in the sea, which as a result leads to the extinction of humanity and ultimately the end of this ludicrously long, run-on sentence.

But yes, changes have been happening, and I’m not talking about those magic changes as described in Grease or in those special grade 5 health classes. Pretty much with other people, and not so much with me. Not entirely true though, I turned 24, which is a change we all gotta go through. Getting older.

But I don’t feel older in the sense of being almost dead. Which I suppose is par for the course when you’re 24 years old. This year held a first for me. The first wedding, on my birthday that is. I’ve been to a ton of weddings, it’s been like my hobby if you followed anything of what I did this past summer you can vouch for that. But yes, it was a little weird. I did a lovely little speech at the wedding, thanking every single guest, from the bottom of my heart, for coming to celebrate, the miracle, of my birthday. Complained about the lack of candles on the cake, but in the end, decided I was okay with it. The wedding went well, they kissed, they ate cake, they both said “I do”.  That last one is pretty key to a good wedding.  Then afterwards we had a little hotel party, which pretty much was a mixture of chips, Miller High Life, and dancing to S-Club videos played via Youtube. There were even a couple of videos taken, which will definitely make you hahlol, which is the most scientifically advanced hybrid of “haha” and “lol” you will ever find, according to my friend Jasmine, the scientist.

Yes, 24 glorious years, and who knows, perhaps I’ll start taking care of this neglected blog.

We’ll see.

Jesse

Me and Vic on Route 66!

Yes this is actually only part 2 of 2. In which I will probably end up repeating some stuff since I haven’t read the last post in about as much time as you have. So let us recap, when we left, I had just experienced Nashville.

Recap complete.

From there we left for Oklahoma City. Now when you hear Oklahoma City, you probably think similar thoughts as I once did. Some tractors and lots of corn, not much else. When we got there it was dark, but don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s always  dark in Oklahoma City, I’m sure that in the day time it’s quite bright, possibly even sunny. But that is beside the point. Oklahoma city is really cool. A place I would actually travel to, just to see it. We went to this great micro-brewry/restaurant, where you can buy half-gallon jugs of beer for $13.

Half a gallon for $13!!!

And then get them refilled for $7!!

It was good beer too, actually make that great beer. So we ate, drank, and made merry before the morrow’s drive. We originally were going to stop off in Albuquerque for the night, on our way from Oklahoma city, but decided to wait until after we got there to decide on whether or not we wanted to go the distance. So after a drive through the rest of Oklahoma, and the miserable cold in texas,  we finally entered New Mexico

A state perhaps famous for nothing, not completely sure. Some New Mexico enthusiasts can probably prove me wrong. We entered Albuquerque and were immediately struck by the most prominent feature of Albuquerque. The dry sunny weather? The kicks as promised along route 66? The brilliant native american influence on the city? Let’s answer ”no” to all of those questions, the real answer is the startlingly high amount of young women with child. No by with child, I mean pregnant, but there were also a large amount with children too, and a suprising amount that were pregnant and had children with them. Apparently if there is one claim to fame for the city of Albuquerque, it must be labelled as the most fertile city in the USA. Needless to say, we immediately decided to do the drive to phoenix immediately after finishing lunch. I don’t think any of us wanted to run the risk of becoming pregnant whilst inside the city limits. So we drove it.  

Later that night I finally stepped out of the car, and revelled in the warmth that allowed me to just wear a t-shirt, I was finally in Phoenix, the land of opportunity, gold, and mechanical bulls.

While out there in Phoenix I did a few things that people rarely do. One was panning for gold, and yes we actually found some too. Out in the desert wilderness, basking in its baking temperatures. It was amazing, I was even able to muster enough sunlight to get a tan, even a sunburn. But now, that tan is nothing but a faded memory.

So I have just bought another ticket out there.

Funny how things work like that.

Also while I was there my trip was accented with something you’d barely dare to dream of doing, and by that I mean probably aren’t too keen on doing. I am of course talking about riding a mechanical bull, which was quite the experience. In retrospect those bulls are not the most anatomically friendly pieces of equipment, at least not for guys. If that isn’t enough to scare you, I heavily recommend doing stretches before mounting those things, after my startlingly prolonged ride, the next morning my body was quite sore. Mainly my lower back and inner thighs. I doubt it’s something I’ll ever do again. But check that one off of the list of things I’ve done while alive.

As for skydiving, I think I’ll put that on the list of things to do after I’m dead.

Hot Texas Weiners!

Ok fine, you may be wondering where i’ve been. I have a good answer to that, but first let me quote a Johnny Cash song, “I’ve been everywhere man”. And i’m sorry if you’re not a man and i just called you one, but i think he wrote the song to a manly trucker, or at least sang it to one. 

Anyways, right now i just showed up about 3 hours early for a shift at my work. Why? you ask? Well, I was the second resort for a shift that someone was already going to be showing up for,  and i got the impression they weren’t coming. Which is why i’m here writing, i got the time, and am slightly disgruntled. They say that pain writes the best love songs, but i believe that disgruntled people write the best blogs.  Perhaps i’ll let you be the judge.

Back to the road trip though, c’mon lets stay focused here. It started off in the depressingly wet and cloudy city of Rochester New York, a generally unpleasant city, but home to a delicious barbeque capable of turning this disgruntled blogger’s frown upside down. Sticky Lips was its name, and it was the only sunshine i saw in that city, where we embarked from. Late one night, we picked  up my brother’s father in law from the airport and then much later that night we arrived in New Jersey. I agree with your assumption that New Jersey isn’t the best direction from Rochester, especially when your final destination is Phoenix Arizona. But family comes first. So we went out there.

Now some people call it dirty Jersey, which is unjustified,  just like saying Virginia is for lovers. At least the sun was shining and we didn’t have to worry about dying when we went outside without a jacket. We also visited a place, no lie, called Hot Texas Weiners. Then from Jersey we trekked down to Virginia, they say it’s for lovers, i say it’s for losers. Sorry if you’re from Virginia, the mountains are nice, same with all the history and civil war stuff, but aside from that i found it very uninteresting. It wasn’t horrendous or offensive, just boring. Especially compared to the city we went to next.

Nashville is wonderful place. I have never, and probably will never be a fan of country music, i hate it, it’s so whiney it puts emo kids to shame, and it has twangs in it that my ears find offensive. But somehow i still loved Nashville.  In spite of there being country music and cowboy stores, I loved the attitude of the people. The live music coming from every door(even if it was country music). The fact that everyone you see, and talk to is in a band. The lights on Broadway(yes there is a Broadway in Nashville) matching with the smells of barbeque, beer, and smokes. That, along with the symphony of live music flowing from every door, made Nashville a very friendly place for the senses. Also there was the friendliness of strangers. One of the biggest things to me in a city is the friendliness of the people there, and Nashville came through. And to top it off, it was surprisingly warm too.

Well, thats the end of this episode, and i know this is sounding like one of those old-time tv dramas, and i have only one response to that, “More Doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCMzjJjuxQI  Camels, the long-lasting, satisfying cigarette that your children will love you for.

not sure if those boots were made for anything, let alone walking.

I’ve learned another valuable lesson in the proverbial “school-of-life”, proper enunciation can save your life. The other night there was a girl at my work, and i noticed that she was wearing cowboy boots, a compliment was in order. So I, in my endearingly sarcastic way decided to say “Nice boots”. The response wasn’t exactly what i was expecting, her and the girl i was working with both looked at me as if i had drowned a small animal. This only confused me further, so i walked into the back room. Then, just as i disappeared from their sight, i realised what my compliment may have been heard as a statement regarding the niceties of her mammaries.

I abruptly turned around to clear up the miscommunication, and emerged to see them now laughing. Just to be safe, i made double sure she knew that what i said, was indeed, “boots”.

Lesson? Guys, be sure to enunciate those “t’s”, especially when complimenting a lady’s footwear.

Oh and on a side note, that show i wrote about getting interviewed for, is premiering October 9th on TVtropolis. Since it has the 2 key ingredients for comedy(Jonathan Torrens and Me), i’m assuming it is going to be awesome. So if you like to smile and laugh, even have a good time, you should probably check it out. (http://www.facebook.com/pages/TV-with-TVs-Jonathan-Torrens/144494107854?ref=ts)

Oh and you know what they say about assuming, “It gives you the right answer before anyone else”.

Quick!! Whats the number for 911!!!???

Have you ever looked at what the cell phone providers in Canada have to offer? 

I say in “Canada”, because they are an interesting bunch. Special if you will, all in a league all of their own.  Like if all the kids from every school that always got picked last formed a group of teams that competed, there would be the team Canada cellphone plans vs the lazy-eyed asthmatics. And the lazy-eyed asthmatics would win every time.

Overpriced jokes, thats what they are. You’ll never hear about anything more over-priced that delivers less satisfaction than a Canadian cellphone plan, well except for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Even better is their total lack of coverage(wait cell phones or the leafs?(or is coverage football(wait brackets inside of brackets, this is the equivalent of punctuational heresy))). Which i suppose is a combination of 2 factors, my cellular provider and the fact that Canada probably has the biggest land to person ratio in the world. Then you just compare the US and Canada commercials and you know something is up…

American commercial: “look at how good our coverage is, biggest 3G network, everything plan for next to nothing, most hi-tech up to date phones out there, most powerful military force on your side.”

Canadian commercial: animals jumping around.

When animals are your major selling point, maybe you shouldn’t even be advertising. Yes Telus, i am talking about you. My cell phone provider for the past 4 years. I don’t know what is more stupid, their coverage, or my continued patronage of their lack of service. Interesting how sometimes i get signal from US towers, even though my home is about 80km away from the US.

Interestingly, as i was researching the distance from my house to the US border i just found something out, that if you type in USA as your destination, and follow the directions, you’ll end up just north of the small town of Dearing Kansas, just east of a triangular lake of some sort. I suppose north of Dearing is the geographic, and possibly cultural center of the USA. Knowing US cellphone providers,  they probably get better cell phone coverage too. God bless America.

Deep in the hundred Acre Wood

You ever wonder what would happen if they were to cut down the hundred acre wood?

Probably not a lot, they wouldn’t even get a lot of  money for it, considering most of those trees are probably dead on account of those stuffed animals living in them. The ones without animals living in them are probably filled with dead bees, that died every winter, due to a gluttonous stuffed bear call Pooh.

What a cracked out story about animals in a woods. A baby pig with a speech impediment, that seems to be afraid of everything except for catching a flu, a hyperactive tiger with a tendency to jump everywhere. Then the depressed, homeless donkey that keeps trying to build himself a home, that everyone keeps destroying. Then there’s a little boy who shepherds these animals as they go on all sorts of adventures that can be experienced within the confines of 100 acres. I guess you can’t get very far from cracked out when your main character was named after a city like Winnipeg. Fair enough the books were written for some guy’s kid sometime in the 1920′s, or at least thats what the Our Heritage Commercial tells us. What the commercial didn’t tell us is that through those stories the boy became fascinated with bears, and the idea of living with them and going on various not so interesting adventures with them in the woods. This fascination soon turned into obsession which birthed the mad scheme that consumed his mind, that little boy, innocent little Christopher Robin, grew up to become, Grizzly Man.

Yes it’s sad when a little boy grows up into a crazy bear loving man. Even more sad when him and his girlfriend get eaten by real bears and not the imaginary one his dad wrote about. Oh well,  the moral of the story, destroy your childs imagination before it destroys them. I think thats the motto for the American Education System.

Breakdancing Vampires!

I think I’ve found the secret to the meaning of life. But if I told you, I’d have to kill you.

But here’s a few secrets, if you guess a girls age to be 24, she will most likely not be offended. Also it’s not a good idea to ask a woman if she is into younger guys, which is pretty much an indirect way of telling her that she looks old.

Now that you’ve learned your life lessons for the day, it’s time for business. How awesome would it be to have a song out there in the top 10 that was written about you? Or even better, how awesome would it be to have a one hit wonder song written about you?

Well I suppose it would only be awesome if it was a love song, or something that makes you out to be amazing. If it’s one of those heartbreak/breakup songs written about you, you’re done for.

Cause even if the band tanks, after, the writer would have the supreme satisfaction of getting that song out about how you are the most terrible person ever to live. You’ll have to endure it on the radio, and after you turn it off, you’ll hear it in the preview to the next hit teen movie, Twilight 7: Step up to the streets.

Which is one of the final Twilight installments in which the misfit teen vampires join a dance crew, and must prove themselves worthy through the use of their superhuman vampire  strength in order to fit in and win the respect of their human peers….ON THE STREETS!!!!

And even after the movie fades into obscurity and the song leaves the top 10, then top 40, and off the airwaves. You’ll be watching re-runs of Seinfeld in your 60′s and a commercial will come on, and in it will be that song. Haunting you, forever that you forgot their birthday, lost their dog, broke their truck, or if it’s a country song, all 3.

So the moral of the story is, don’t hurt someone who isn’t talented enough to write at least 2 hit songs on separate albums. Because one thing we all don’t want is a one hit wonder following us around to tell everyone how terrible we are.